Monday, August 30, 2010

Of family and questionably attractive men

So, I've got family in town, thus the absence, but uh, here's a thoughtlet–

It's kind of been bothering me. It shouldn't, because I mean, people wanna bang who people wanna bang. But I don't know man... I'm 21 years old, and of all the people in the world– ALL OF THEM– if I could pick one person to have sweet sweet sex with... I would choose a man who is 46 years old, pretty much bald, approximately 6 inches taller than me, (and I am SHORT, like...REALLY short.) and who hails from New Jersey (okay, that last one isn't a bad thing.)

You know what, though? Fuck it. I think he's hot as hell, and he gives me filthy disgusting thoughts. You'll be in my sick fantasies tonight, you sexy little beast, you.

Anyway, yeah, other then that, just entertaining the family. Toodles.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Saturday, August 21, 2010

The chili that cauterized my butthole

Not having been back to the midwest for a good number of months, I've not had really good chili for a while (that being the really tasty/really spicy kind) Oh lord am I paying for it today.
RIP anus.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Yay x2

Oh three piece suits. Double the love for women wearing them. I want/want to be this woman.


Pole dancing too. Women, men, everything in between, I don't care. I just wanna see it work a pole.

Been gone for far too long

Well, since I last posted, the class from hell ended, I didn't fail, in fact, I got a B (super yay!) AND I went back home for about nine days. In fact, I'm home now. A couple days ago (Wed.) was doctor day. I got up close and personal with one of these–

Speculum, sweet speculum. It's been a year since our last rendezvous. Thanks for the bodily invasion.
Oh, and did I mention that my gynecologist has fingers like this–

Seriously, the man has MASSIVE hands/fingers. It's sick. Really, man? Gynecology? It's the one profession where you knew you'd be shoving your ridiculous fingers into women's vaginas on a daily basis. Fuck you, dude.
Other than that, it was just the dentist (who I want to bang) the GP and the optometrist. Nothing special. Except that it was all in one day.

What else, OH, yes... I saw Piranha today. The new one, if that wasn't obvious...
All I have to say is....
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V
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V
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V
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V
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V
TITTIES IN 3D!!!

And gore. That too. But fuck man, it's Alexandre Aja. Should I expect anything different? Didn't think so.

Ah, the glorious combination of sex and violence. Where would I be without it?

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Five letters to five men in my life

Dear man #1


I really miss getting to see you. You said the kinds of things that I’ll keep with me for the rest of my life. And you made me laugh. A lot. Frequently. I’m sorry if I ever said something hurtful to you, but honestly, I was just kidding. You were one of the very few people who made that time of my life worthwhile. I know that you’re going to be someone who inspires people for the rest of your life, and even after you’re gone, people are going to remember you. I’m going to remember you forever, with the utmost fondness. I hope you’re doing well.


Dear man #2

My friends all think I hate you. The fact of the matter is, there is a part of me that does hate you. Quite a bit, in fact. However, my lust for you very much overpowers my hatred. I can barely listen to you when you talk to me because I’m ogling, what appears to be, your rather strong legs through the fabric of your very nice pants when you cross your legs. Really– it makes me squirm. I stare at your crotch too. Just saying. And your hands/forearms, just because they’re so active, and I love the way I can see your bones and muscles shifting and moving as you gesture about. Don’t get me wrong, I like your face too. Your eyes look perpetually sad, and maybe a little bit like you don’t approve of most of the people around you (which is probably true). I even like your hair, but mostly because I want to fuck it up. On top of all that you make me feel completely fucking useless and stupid, which pisses me off and turns me on at the same time. And, and, when I’m not paying attention to you it’s because I’m imagining you fucking someone/getting fucked, like, really hard. Ridiculously hard. Someone’s bleeding at the end of the whole ordeal. I’d pay good money, and I do mean good money, to see you in a state of orgasm. It would be epic. I realize that this all sounds ridiculous and obsessive, but what can I say, you’re the only thing on the plate of my life right now.


Dear man #3

I really appreciate having you in my life. I also appreciate that you take my obsessing over other dudes in stride. You know it’s just mindless young horniness. You smell like a man, whatever that really means, and that’s just amazing. If I could fill a pool with that smell, oh man, I would straight up swim in it. Anyway, I love you. I think you know that too. It takes a hell of a person to get their shit together the way you did, and I admire that. In any case, I’ll probably see you tomorrow. I’m looking forward to the cuddles etc. Sorry for the rambling and randomness. I just don’t know where to start with you.


Dear man #4


When I look at pictures of men, and one of them looks even remotely like you,I pretend that it is you. Hell, there’s a half-second in there where I really think it is. This leads me to wonder if I like you so much that I make myself see you in all of these men– or, are there just a lot of men out there who kind of look like you? I think I know the answer, but it makes me feel like a creeper, so I’m just going to deny it for now. Also, if they were you, then you just licked an origami flower, modeled a thong, shot an arrow into the ocean, and painted your fingernails pink. Awesome.


Dear man #5


Please move to another state. Just...fuck off. You terrify me. When you walk by, I can literally feel my skin crawl. And for the love of god, keep your fucking hands away from my cleavage.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Cockroach & eggs

Clean your goddam dishes, people! Do it now! If you don't the cockroaches will come and taint your cookware. Trust me, I know. At least this little guy was polite enough to wait until I had already eaten my eggs to feast. Really though, it's still pretty gross. (I'm a pretty clean person too. What is this? I guess it just comes with living in the city.)

Friday, August 6, 2010

My nightstand...

...looks like this right now. I think I need to put the trash can next to the bed.

Celebrity crushes: then and now

Then:


(But only in Lost in Space (I know I know. Terrible movie)...ew Friends)





Now:


For real, it's not healthy... oh the unholy things I would do to this man.



No. Really. WTF, self?
I guess if I had to find some turning point it would be when this man–
came into my life. What did you do to me, Alan Rickman? Die Hard changed everything.

Oh and don't get me started on women. Most of my female celebrity crushes just make me feel very shallow. And sometimes a little bit like a dirty old man. *sigh*


'Cause your his cheeseburger/His yummy cheeseburger

Girl, you'd best get away from him. He wants to fucking eat you!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Rats and hope

I watched this movie tonight. It was really very ridiculous. I don't even know where to start, so I won't. All I'll say is that we watched it for the eye candy. AND...
Surviving on rats and hope...

...will give you amazing hair.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

History repeating itself

Well, Mr. Somebody-who-needs-to-fall-right-on-their-balls, thing is, it kind of happened again. That's right, I stayed up all night. Except this time, instead of making a "Songs for Strippers" playlist, I cleaned my kitchen. Instead of writing smut, I read other peoples' smut. Like, A LOT of other peoples' smut. And instead of watching Batman, I watched Star Trek. I did watch more porn, but that's kind of a given. So, as I said before, I want nothing to do with you or your pretentious blathering. The difference is, I don't feel so bad about it this time. So no, I'm not sorry that I didn't make it in. I'll see you on Thursday...asshole.


God dammit, up late again. Surprise surprise. Okay, difference is, I have a chance to recover this one. It's not even 3:30 yet. I should get my dumb ass to bed, now, and make myself go in because lord knows I need to. Having said that, there's more porn that needs watching. Decisions decisions...

Not really, I am going to bed.

Monday, August 2, 2010

And now for something I am shamefully proud of

I had 69 posts in July. It was not intentional.
Here's a picture of some kittens–


Zombie Heels

Breaking in a pair of zombie stripper (:D come on, somebody else laugh at that) heels– clearly more important than allowing a broken toe to heal. (HO SHIT! I did something clever again! Look! heels/heal. I'm fucking gold today.)

Sunday, August 1, 2010

:(

Dear Internet Friends,

For the love of god, please stop killing my Englishman. Why does he always have to be the one to die? I mean, why should anyone have to die, but if you have to kill someone off, why is it always him? *sigh* I guess it's my fault if I go in knowing he's gonna be dead at the end and keep reading anyway. Still, it always makes me irrationally sad. Stop killing him so much! Please.
<3 you all anyway
Bzka

P.S. No really though, you people are insane and I love you no matter what. Thanks for feeding my obsession.