Pathetic:

Watching a movie where some hot dude is naked but shielded from the waist down... and actually moving your head to try to look over said shield.

Sorry new neighbor

This didn't happen. But it could have if I'd bothered to properly introduce myself. Sorry about the sex noises seemingly friendly middle-aged businessman.

GUESS WHAT!?!

I CANNOT GO A SINGLE DAY WITHOUT WEARING SOMETHING GREEN OR GRAY! FUCK YEAH, YOU CUNTS!!!

ALL OTHER COLORS OF CLOTHING ARE EXTREMELY FUCKING INFERIOR!!!

(even red... sorry. I know you're my favorite color...)

Speaking of green and it's use as a synonym for hippie bullshit– if one more person yells at me for not recycling or for using a fuck-ton of hairspray, I'm gonna cut a bitch. I don't recycle, and I never will, so fuck off. Also, I live in a huge city. Our air is fucked anyway, so I'mma just go ahead and hairspray the fuck out of my hair.

That's all I have to say. It's 5AM. I've not slept. Sorry for the excessive use of fuck. Not really that sorry.

Friday night glory

How to deal with being fat, sweaty, and a budding alcoholic on a Friday night:

Step 1: Place (nearly empty) handle of ice-cold whiskey on tummy roll and squeeze between titties.

Step 2: Insert uber-straw into bottle and slurp away until you stop sweating or until the sweat stops bothering you.

P.S. That's my favorite bra. I've had it for 5+ years. It used to match my skin. It also used to not have fake blood and paint stains on it.