So, about this lengthy absence...

Oh blog, sweet blog... I haven't forgotten about you. I even came across you a few times and thought, "shit, I should contribute something for the 3.5 people who may or may not (the latter) actually look at this sometimes" (That .5 is for Bryan. I don't know who the hell he is, but my guess is he doesn't really exist [if you do, I'm sorry Bryan.]) But, then I'd think about all the schoolwork that there was to be done/ the time I had to waste, and I'd move on.

Fuck, I didn't even have a Halloween post. :(

But here I am. I'm sick, so clearly I have nothing better to do than talk about boobs/blood/liquor/fashion/key-per from Adventure Time.

Oh my god, could you imagine the glory if all of those things came together in one amazing place!?!

That's fucking exactly what it would be like. I could live in that rectangle forever.

(I've mentioned the quality of my photoshop skills before, right?)

(also, red is the best color. for everything.)

Anyway, that's it. Yay my triumphant return! I'm gonna go cough up some more snot now.

Pathetic:

Watching a movie where some hot dude is naked but shielded from the waist down... and actually moving your head to try to look over said shield.

Sorry new neighbor

This didn't happen. But it could have if I'd bothered to properly introduce myself. Sorry about the sex noises seemingly friendly middle-aged businessman.

GUESS WHAT!?!

I CANNOT GO A SINGLE DAY WITHOUT WEARING SOMETHING GREEN OR GRAY! FUCK YEAH, YOU CUNTS!!!

ALL OTHER COLORS OF CLOTHING ARE EXTREMELY FUCKING INFERIOR!!!

(even red... sorry. I know you're my favorite color...)

Speaking of green and it's use as a synonym for hippie bullshit– if one more person yells at me for not recycling or for using a fuck-ton of hairspray, I'm gonna cut a bitch. I don't recycle, and I never will, so fuck off. Also, I live in a huge city. Our air is fucked anyway, so I'mma just go ahead and hairspray the fuck out of my hair.

That's all I have to say. It's 5AM. I've not slept. Sorry for the excessive use of fuck. Not really that sorry.

Friday night glory

How to deal with being fat, sweaty, and a budding alcoholic on a Friday night:

Step 1: Place (nearly empty) handle of ice-cold whiskey on tummy roll and squeeze between titties.

Step 2: Insert uber-straw into bottle and slurp away until you stop sweating or until the sweat stops bothering you.

P.S. That's my favorite bra. I've had it for 5+ years. It used to match my skin. It also used to not have fake blood and paint stains on it.

100 POSTS!!!

WARNING! Fatass cartoon nudity:

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I warned you...

Anyway, YAY 100 POSTS!

Also, YAY OCTOBER!

Also v 2.0, I got my hair cut, which normally isn't a big deal, but I got most of it cut off. Almost all of my hair is super short. All I had him leave long-ish is my bangs and a little in the front. Long story short I went into the salon and told the guy to cut off everything that was dead– thus, short hair.

Wrong