Ugly people belong together

I warn you now, this is probably the creepiest thing I've ever produced. EVER.

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But if this could just happen... I would be so happy.

Wordplay

Google maps

So, I knew this shit a while ago, but I just happened upon it again. Some of my friends and I are so important/badass that they put us on google maps. Look at their blurry little faces! And my back fat of course.

P.S. Look at how cute my friends are!!!

Moustache venn diagram

Sexiest men I know.

Moresomes are bettersomes

I mean, COME ON! how hot is that!?!

Check this shiz out

Latest addition to my nail art collection. I'm particularly proud of these because I did it all freehand. Makes me feel quite technically skilled. :)

P.S. Check out my flabby arm. If you wave it'll wave back!

ETA: These were falling apart, but I wasn't ready to give up the design yet...

Thus, I present that same design but shittier and with different colors!

Because one can never have too many holes in their body...

I'm a bit of a piercing/tattoo nut, which you probably wouldn't know looking at me. I don't actually have THAT many piercings or tattoos. But I LOVE THEM. And I want more of them. Not a shit ton more. I don't think I'm ever going to be one of those people with a face/body full of metal and ink. (although... I really love those people.) It just doesn't suit me.

In any case, because I'm a narcissist when it comes to my piercings, I thought I'd show those off. And yammer on about the ones I still want. So, without further ado:

My left ear! As far as I'm concerned, I'm done with this ear. I've got 3 lobe, (the first of which is stretched to a 4 gauge. It's not getting any bigger.) my tragus, and 2 cartilage. YAY!

My right ear! This one is missing something, but more on that later. It's the same as the left but without the cartilage. (3 lobe, tragus).

I've also got my nose pierced, but there's nothing particularly fascinating about that, so....

Now, onto the things that I DON'T have yet. First up is this lovely creature:

It's a triple helix spiral. I think it's just the prettiest thing in the world. I'm still looking for someone who will do it, but that shit's gonna happen soon. It's going in the right ear.

Next up:

Vertical industrial. There was a time when I dreamt about getting an industrial. Unfortunately, I really don't have the ears for it, so I'd like the vertical version instead. Hell, I kinda like it better than the regular industrial. This would also be in the right ear.

I also really want my nipples pierced. And something vagina related (I'm kinda thinking vertical hood or clit. Maybe a christina too. I think they're really pretty.)

In any case, that's that as far as piercings go.

NOW ONTO TATTOOS!

This is on my mid back. Sorry for the shitty picture quality.

and this is on the back of my right calf.

As far as what they are/why I got them... well, these two in particular are both sort of odd in that they are deeply personal designs that probably don't visually reflect their explanations to anyone but me. Nonetheless, I'll try.

The circle with the triangle with rings in it is sort of the way I see my mind/soul whathaveyou. I think if I try to explain that further i'll just be confusing.

The black symbol, is, on the simple side, how I used to sign my name when I was young, but more than that, it's a symbol of my physical identity which has carried through the years. Again, I doubt that makes any sense. But that's what it is.

Now onto some of the ones I want:

First up on the list is my hippo. I'm not going to go into all of the reasons why I like hippos, and why I chose this one, but this is the sculpture that the design is based on:

It's of Egyptian origin. I don't know if the tattoo is actually going to be blue. We'll see. I think this tattoo is going on my left shoulder. I don't know if it's going to be the front or the back, though.

Next up is this. It's written in a language I made up when I was a kid. Really, though, if you look at it closely, you'll have no trouble figuring out what it says. This is going right above my mid-back piece, possibly curved around it.

This piece represents a certain goal in my life. I get one line for each mini-goal I reach. As it stands I can only get seven.

But ultimately, hopefully, there will be twenty. They're going at the bottom of my neck, or the middle of my top back, however you want to think of it.

This is my ode to my chosen profession/passion. Sweet sweet art. It's the golden rectangle. I have absolutely no idea where this is going.

This is the last piece that I actually have designed. They're passion flowers. They're my favorite flower. They are used in parts of the world to treat insomnia and depression. So, I guess this is kind of my hopeful happy tattoo.

If it wasn't clear from my other tattoos and designs, I really like line and block work, so I don't know if these are going to be in color, or just lines. They're going to be on the left side of my ribcage, so I want to wait. Until I get all twenty of my lines, so to speak. :)

Anyway, I have others in my head that haven't been planned out yet. I'll save those for later. That's that. I'm done ranting about body mods now.

So, about this lengthy absence...

Oh blog, sweet blog... I haven't forgotten about you. I even came across you a few times and thought, "shit, I should contribute something for the 3.5 people who may or may not (the latter) actually look at this sometimes" (That .5 is for Bryan. I don't know who the hell he is, but my guess is he doesn't really exist [if you do, I'm sorry Bryan.]) But, then I'd think about all the schoolwork that there was to be done/ the time I had to waste, and I'd move on.

Fuck, I didn't even have a Halloween post. :(

But here I am. I'm sick, so clearly I have nothing better to do than talk about boobs/blood/liquor/fashion/key-per from Adventure Time.

Oh my god, could you imagine the glory if all of those things came together in one amazing place!?!

That's fucking exactly what it would be like. I could live in that rectangle forever.

(I've mentioned the quality of my photoshop skills before, right?)

(also, red is the best color. for everything.)

Anyway, that's it. Yay my triumphant return! I'm gonna go cough up some more snot now.

Pathetic:

Watching a movie where some hot dude is naked but shielded from the waist down... and actually moving your head to try to look over said shield.

Sorry new neighbor

This didn't happen. But it could have if I'd bothered to properly introduce myself. Sorry about the sex noises seemingly friendly middle-aged businessman.

GUESS WHAT!?!

I CANNOT GO A SINGLE DAY WITHOUT WEARING SOMETHING GREEN OR GRAY! FUCK YEAH, YOU CUNTS!!!

ALL OTHER COLORS OF CLOTHING ARE EXTREMELY FUCKING INFERIOR!!!

(even red... sorry. I know you're my favorite color...)

Speaking of green and it's use as a synonym for hippie bullshit– if one more person yells at me for not recycling or for using a fuck-ton of hairspray, I'm gonna cut a bitch. I don't recycle, and I never will, so fuck off. Also, I live in a huge city. Our air is fucked anyway, so I'mma just go ahead and hairspray the fuck out of my hair.

That's all I have to say. It's 5AM. I've not slept. Sorry for the excessive use of fuck. Not really that sorry.

Friday night glory

How to deal with being fat, sweaty, and a budding alcoholic on a Friday night:

Step 1: Place (nearly empty) handle of ice-cold whiskey on tummy roll and squeeze between titties.

Step 2: Insert uber-straw into bottle and slurp away until you stop sweating or until the sweat stops bothering you.

P.S. That's my favorite bra. I've had it for 5+ years. It used to match my skin. It also used to not have fake blood and paint stains on it.

100 POSTS!!!

WARNING! Fatass cartoon nudity:

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I warned you...

Anyway, YAY 100 POSTS!

Also, YAY OCTOBER!

Also v 2.0, I got my hair cut, which normally isn't a big deal, but I got most of it cut off. Almost all of my hair is super short. All I had him leave long-ish is my bangs and a little in the front. Long story short I went into the salon and told the guy to cut off everything that was dead– thus, short hair.

Wrong

Real friends

They'll talk about you're childhood (and possibly continued) porn addiction with you. If you're lucky, they were (/are) a childhood (/current) porn addict, too.

So you want to be my personal stripper

First off, you can not have hair here

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But you can totally have hair here

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You must wear a pair of these

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And one of these (note: it's an ascot, not a tie)

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But above all else, you must be over 40

If you can do all of this, well then, sir, I think you're well on your way to becoming... my personal stripper!

Happy belated birthday to me

YAY! I turned 22 already!

To Ian- that bottle of wine didn't even last an hour. You should take that as a compliment, I think.

Amputated arm

Okay, so I had this dream last night that my right arm had been cut off. I don't know how. It was just a bloody stump wrapped in bandages. For some reason, part of one of my broken arm bones was sticking out of the bandage. I don't remember much else. Just that there were other people there at some point, and I was really frustrated because I had lost one of my fucking arms.

Long story short, according to the internet this dream means that my lack of motivation problem has reached a point of crisis. Fuck you internet. You don't know me. Or maybe I'm just frustrated because for once the internet was right. Fuck you x10 internet.

Perfection

For me it means walking into the sunset in my underwear with a man in a purple bear suit on my one side and a man in a regular suit on my other side.

Dear guy

Dear guy who walked into my apartment 10 minutes ago,

What the fuck, guy!?! Have you ever heard of knocking? Why the fuck do you have a key to my apartment!?! FYI, you've just made my locking-my-doors paranoia 1000x worse. That third lock is going to be firmly in place the second I close the door behind me. I hope you know that if you do it again I will have a large pan ready to give you a beating.

Thoroughly freaked out,

BZKA

P.S. I hope seeing my naked ass scarred you for life.

Hello old friend

Sometimes, you run into old friends. Sometimes, you run into old friends on the way back from a beer/porn run.

The anatomy of a good night

Improvised wine cocktails– 1 $>10 bottle of cabernet sauvignon, 1 bottle of inherited triple sec (because, for the love of god, I have to find some purpose for the stuff) and 1 bottle of white grape flavored sparkling water. It's actually a lot better than in probably sounds.

Scouring the internet looking for pictures of various dumb things.

Looking up fictional characters on facebook. I actually found most of the ones I was looking for. I did not send any of them friend requests. (There was this one time, though, that I looked up this lovely blonde asian actor from some weird horror movie... I sent him a request. Now we're "friends". Apparently he's traveling across the states doing cute blonde asian boy things.)

I couldn't find a good picture of him, but I'm pretty sure he's the one having his face eaten...

Hot shower

Hotter company– that means you, Alex

Watching multiple movies of questionable value

Regarding the first two– both were super low-budget, and both were super weird. Like, really really weird. And yet, I think I kinda liked them both. Actress Apocalypse was pretty funny, and there was an abundance of sweet titties. And Synchronicity... well, I don't know. Maybe I was just drunk enough to enjoy the weirdness. Run! Bitch Run! was entertaining too. As much as a rape/revenge movie can be anyway. Again, nudity sweet nudity.

And last but not least, fortune cookies. Mine said "Just to be alive is a grand thing." Sure, cookie, whatever you say.

Foot growth– theories and adventures

And because I know you were all wondering.

I'd try to figure out human foot impregnation, but I've not got any idea yet. Stay tuned

Nerd shame

The prologue to this– I've seen a few youtube clips in my day of young women watching something (usually Twilight related), and freaking the fuck out. These reactions are hilarious. Really hilarious. And the thing is, I'd be sitting there, watching these people, thinking "god damn, I'm sure glad that I don't get quite so worked up over something fictional." (okay, so I've had a few close calls...)

And yet, there I was tonight, sitting in front of the TV, watching the White Collar mid-season finale. I was approximately a foot away from the screen the entire time. I was on the verge of hyperventilation on multiple occasions. I squealed 10+ times. I talked to the TV. I said "NOOO! Don't do it." and "Oh holy shit! That bitch is going to kill you!" The worst of it all, though, was that at the end, I fucking screamed so loud that someone from another apartment told me to shut up. I also cried a little bit, even if he's not dead, and he's probably not dead because his role was mentioned as a continuing one.

Anyway... I can't deal with hot people being killed off on my favorite programs anymore– Lost pretty much hauled off and did that by the busload with every episode in the last season. So there, please don't kill him. He's my favorite. You already killed the hot girl that I was just starting to get into. Please don't ruin this for me.

Fuck, I need to stop. I'm pretty sure the nerd is shining through more and more with every sentence. I'm embarrassed for myself.

In conclusion, I'm still going to make fun of Twilight fanatics who post their crazy-people trailer reactions online for the world to see... I'll just have to pause for a moment before I do.

Sexiest creepers

I'm not talking about all of the supposedly "creepy-looking" people that I find attractive. (That means you, Michael Emerson) No, I'm talking about the men and women of horror that have made me feel all warm and gooey inside over the years... in a totally good way. So, without further ado, and in no particular order–

First we have Vincent Price in pretty much everything ever. He was just so handsome/ delicious.

AJ Bowen as Lewis in The Signal. So crazy, so hot. Oh, there was The House of the Devil too. Yum.

Come on, there's not even anything weird about this one. It's fucking Satanico Pandemonium.

Otis. Oh man, Bill Moseley in The Devil's Rejects... feel free to do unholy things to me which will, in all likelihood, end in my death. I don't mind

In my defense, I'm pretty sure finding David attractive is considered perfectly normal. He's as hot as teenage vampires get as far as I'm concerned.

Freddy Krueger is just the love of my life. So is Robert Englund, who is still ridiculously good-looking. Just saying. Oh, new Freddy's hot too, but he's not Robert Englund, so...

So, it must be said that I have a bit of a fetish for the living dead. And Big Daddy from Land of the Dead– yeah baby!

And continuing with the LotD love we have Number 9. What up sexy zombie chick!?!

Mmm...Candyman. I would love to just sit around all day and have Tony Todd whisper sweet creepy nothings into my ear.

This is another one of those hot man with a hot voice things. I realize the movies have gotten beyond ridiculous, but Jigsaw/ Tobin Bell is just so fine.

First off, I fucking love Billy Connolly. Also, there's that whole living dead fetish thing. He makes me laugh, he's a zombie. Love you, Fido. Need I say more?

My love of Bruce Campbell knows no bounds. It all started when I was a very little girl, the night I watched The Evil Dead, the moment Mr. Ashley J. Williams came onto my screen.

Again, I'm pretty sure finding Trash/ Linnea Quigley attractive is normal. Oh, and can we talk about the whole strip scene? Oh lord...

Not the creepy lady up top, but the sweet bit of male hotness on the bottom. Stephen Rea in The Company of Wolves. Oh yeah, he was also Santiago in Interview with the Vampire. That was nice too.

Michael Berryman as Pluto in The Hills Have Eyes. The original. As a young girl I wanted to run away with him and be his wife. He was just so strong/crazy/awesome. I'm not even kidding. I wanted to marry him like nobody's business. Shit, I still wouldn't turn down the opportunity.

And if we're talking about the remake, Robert Joy as Lizard... so delicious. He was also in Land of the Dead. I've come to the conclusion that LotD is a treasure trove of people I want to bang the faces off of.

Danny Huston as Marlow in 30 Days of Night. I'm convinced that this has more to do with my love of Danny Huston than my love of vampires, but there is nothing sexier than a hot man, chewing on flesh, covered in blood. Feel free to gnaw my neck off any time, you sexy beast, you.

And last but sure as hell not least, Klaus Kinski as a variety of creepy fuckers over the years. He gives me the best kind of shivers.

Okay, so I know I'm forgetting a lot of people, like, A LOT of people. Maybe I'll do round two some time. Until then, enjoy the sexiness/creepiness!